Jobber Run-Down: RAW
New Orleans, Louisiana.
23rd Anniversary of Monday Night Raw. The McMahons and WWE World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns. One versus all. Highlight Reel returns. New U.S. Champ. Paul Heyman returns with the Beast.
Full Jobber Run-Down starts now…
Show opens on roster poised before Titantron. Truce, despite proximity, because reasons.
No Chance In Hell. The Chairman struts to the ring with daughter Steph. Crowd takes a dump. Steph spits exposition. McMahon name drops Ziggler, Owens and New Day.
Wyatt Family cut in. “Anyone but you, Roman.”
McMahon name drops Brock Lesnar. Crowd wakes up. Reigns music hits, entrance through fist-bump Soul Train. No hesitation wading into sea of enemies. Cole calls Roman’s odds of winning Rumble “astronomical” – they are actually closer to 1 in 30.
Roman asks the question: “What happens if I win [the Royal Rumble]?” Good question. No answer given. Instead, One Versus All match set for main event.
Dean Ambrose called out. Blindsided by opponent Sheamus. Dean sells like death.
Dean Ambrose vs Sheamus (non-title match)
During break, everyone else (including Roman, Wyatt and McMahons) take a powder.
Bully heel beat-down. Dean goes lush lump in headlock. Ladies pop when Dean’s bare chest. Man in front row calls Sheamus “Hideous!” Suplex slam on announce table.
Dean goes on punch-drunk hulk up. Suicide dive kiboshed. Slam to barricade, steps. Referee reaches 10, contest ruled draw.
Sheamus bleeds. Sheamus wears crimson mask. Ref whisks him off camera as Kevin Owens jumps Dean. Pod of refs peel off KO. Feud still hot.
Dean screams off doctors.
Vince and Steph play nice with Paul Heyman. Ass kissing. Heyman proposes Brock vs Champ at Mania 32. Vince poo-poos.
Stardust vs Titus O’Neil
Stardust painted homage to Bowie. Song/album references abound.
These two are “nemeses” now. Nobody is on board. Fans still love smiling Titus and still chant “Cody”, tho. Dead air otherwise.
Clash of the Titus gets W. Smiles with first row kids. Stardust attacks, beats down. Children scream. Snarling. This isn’t over – but where is it going?
Jericho returns to Raw. Jericho dons leather light-up gear over sport coat with scarf and bare chest. Rock star douche-bag chic.
New Day cuts in. Big E drops “flim flam”, “mouth garbage” and “booty chow.” Jericho stays straight, no sells New Day trash talk.
Usos cut in. Promo relies on crowd. Crowd on board, gets over.
Tag team match on. Jericho drops “my little pony jabronies.”
Usos vs New Day (non-title match)
Dance moves enrage Big E. Early arm work on Kofi. E turns tide, isolates Jimmy.
Jericho chases off Woods. Woods feigns bravado.
Boom Drop redux. Trouble in Paradise miss. Uso spin-kick and hits hot tag. Uso running wild, suicide dive. E hits belly to belly. Straps down.
Big Ending escape. Stereo super-kick. Frog splash attempt thwarted by Woods. Jericho snaps trombone over knee. Woods weaps. “Whyyyyyy!!??”
School-boy roll up, Kofi pinned. Usos win match! No. 1 Contenders (again).
Cole addresses John Cena shoulder injury.
Paul Heyman and Steph face off. Paul wants Brock vs Champ at Mania. Steph sticks to daddy’s guns. Chairman says Brock competes in Rumble. Heyman bitter, plays nice.
John Layfield announces Sting as first inductee in 2016 WWE Hall Of Fame. Video package rolls. Footage of super-hero cable descent stunt followed by Bret Hart.
Bray poised to speak. Interrupted by Heath Slater and #SocialOutcasts. Lame promos fall flat (on purpose?). Eight man tag match set.
Strowman rolls over Outcasts. Shmoz, chaos, no contest.
Ryback makes the save. Ryback helps Social Outcasts fend off Wyatts. Bray chuckles, singles out Ryback.
Remember when these two had a feud? Didn’t last long, didn’t go anywhere.
Alberto Del Rio vs Kalisto (United States Championship Match)
Del Rio spits Spanish venom. Takes credit for Cena injury. Breaks the news: Cena will no be at WrestleMania. Crowd takes a dump. Kalisto picks them up.
Aggression off the hop. Del Rio wants revenge. Del Rio family heritage/history/ achievements referenced.
Multiple come-backs thwarted. Long and involved match. Del Rio looks competent and spiteful. Kalisto has crowd firmly in tow.
Counters, reversals, escapes. Kalisto dodges tree of woe double stomp spot. People rally. “Lucha!” chants. Victory roll – Kalisto gets the pin.
New United States Champion, Kalisto!
Brie Bella vs Charlotte (non-title match?)
Divas first seen/mentioned three quarters of the way through program.
Ric and Charlotte have awkward chemistry on entrance ramp. Ric likes the music too much.
Becky Lynch attacks Charlotte during entrance. Brawl. “Becky!” chants. Arm-breaker attempts. Charlotte weasels out. Refs separate. Lynch declares “I’m taking the championship, and I’m taking your arm with me!”
Ric spits “Fat boy” at front row, declares that Charlotte will not compete tonight. Walk of shame. Charlotte plays up limp while dad struts.
Paul informs Brock of McMahon ruling. Brock stone-faces.
Becky fired up, spouts Irish flame. No formal challenge for title at Rumble – yet.
Roman Reigns – One vs All
Fist-bump Soul Train part two. No Chance In Hell. Chairman and Steph enter, followed by heel roster.
Announcers claim they do not know how the match is supposed to work.
Owens jumps in ring while others surround. Steph says Reigns will fight every man until he can’t move. Vince makes it fair – one on one at a time. He pretends to choose Kevin Owens as first man in. Match begins.
KO schools Reigns. Reigns worked over. Senton on floor. Frog splash on floor. Fallaway slam to barricade. Headlocks. Cannon balls. Headlocks.
Reigns gets head of steam. Superman punches Ascension. Spears Tyler Breeze. Numbers game catches up. Gang beat down on champ. “We want Brock!” chant.
Lesnar music hits. Crowd goes ape. Brock cleans house. Clothesline to New Day. Suplex to Big E. Suplex to KO. Suplex to Sheamus. Carnage.
Brock looms over Reigns. F-5 to Reigns. Stand tall, music hits. Roman chuckles through pain, Brock smirks back. Cole pronounces Brock will enter Rumble and is aimed at WWE Title. Fade to black.